Thursday, January 29, 2004
A Somewhat Real Call from the Real Estate Agent
Laura, I have two houses in your price range to show you this weekend. I hope you can make it.
The first one is small. It's very small. It's very, very small. Small. OK! It's a tree house.
It is somewhat of hike up, but you've got two young boys. They'll love to shimmy up.
It has central air. Well, what we mean by that is a large round portal in place of a door. It lets in lots of fresh air day and night.
And the view. Did I mention the view? Spectacular. You can see right into the second floor of all the neighboring houses. Who needs a TV and electricity, when you can view your neighbor's TiVo for free. Think of the savings on cable.
And you know that Northern New Jersey has a problem with flooding in the basement. But you'll never have those hassles. You'll be the envy of all around.
The second home is quite nice. It's remarkable that it is in your price range. It has four bedrooms, two baths, hardwood floors, eat in kitchen, den, and huge yard. Why is it so cheap, you ask? Yes, it is remarkable. Um. Extraordinary really.
I'm not sure if we'll be able to view it this weekend or not. We'll have to see if the wife is done hosing the place down yet. See, the husband is a taxidermist. He converted their basement into his work space where he sliced and diced quite a few critters. Started off with squirrel and possum and moved on to deer and moose. Worked so fast that he never got around to disposing properly of the carcasses. Just piled them up sky high in the three other bedrooms. A well placed rug will cover any discoloration in the wood, I'm sure. And a good room deodorizer. Just like new!
No, I'm sorry all the animal heads must go. Even the ones mounted to the roof. And certainly the yellow Lynx in the shower. A good paint job and plaster should cover the holes in the walls.
So, we'll have to see if the place has been hosed down in time for our inspection. Did I mention that the husband quickly moved from taxidermy to mummification as a hobby? Yes, yes. He branched out. The wife still has to relocate some relatives that the husband embalmed and wrapped and stored in the garage. That has to be done before we get there.
And be sure to step over the yellow police tape covering the front door. It's okay. The photographs have already been taken. There is some business about a missing mother-in-law, but don't let it bother you.
So, what do you say? 11:00 on Saturday. And I hope you've gotten pre-approved for a loan. Remember it's a seller's market.
Laura, I have two houses in your price range to show you this weekend. I hope you can make it.
The first one is small. It's very small. It's very, very small. Small. OK! It's a tree house.
It is somewhat of hike up, but you've got two young boys. They'll love to shimmy up.
It has central air. Well, what we mean by that is a large round portal in place of a door. It lets in lots of fresh air day and night.
And the view. Did I mention the view? Spectacular. You can see right into the second floor of all the neighboring houses. Who needs a TV and electricity, when you can view your neighbor's TiVo for free. Think of the savings on cable.
And you know that Northern New Jersey has a problem with flooding in the basement. But you'll never have those hassles. You'll be the envy of all around.
The second home is quite nice. It's remarkable that it is in your price range. It has four bedrooms, two baths, hardwood floors, eat in kitchen, den, and huge yard. Why is it so cheap, you ask? Yes, it is remarkable. Um. Extraordinary really.
I'm not sure if we'll be able to view it this weekend or not. We'll have to see if the wife is done hosing the place down yet. See, the husband is a taxidermist. He converted their basement into his work space where he sliced and diced quite a few critters. Started off with squirrel and possum and moved on to deer and moose. Worked so fast that he never got around to disposing properly of the carcasses. Just piled them up sky high in the three other bedrooms. A well placed rug will cover any discoloration in the wood, I'm sure. And a good room deodorizer. Just like new!
No, I'm sorry all the animal heads must go. Even the ones mounted to the roof. And certainly the yellow Lynx in the shower. A good paint job and plaster should cover the holes in the walls.
So, we'll have to see if the place has been hosed down in time for our inspection. Did I mention that the husband quickly moved from taxidermy to mummification as a hobby? Yes, yes. He branched out. The wife still has to relocate some relatives that the husband embalmed and wrapped and stored in the garage. That has to be done before we get there.
And be sure to step over the yellow police tape covering the front door. It's okay. The photographs have already been taken. There is some business about a missing mother-in-law, but don't let it bother you.
So, what do you say? 11:00 on Saturday. And I hope you've gotten pre-approved for a loan. Remember it's a seller's market.
